The Devil held a press conference today to predict he will retain control of Congress following next week’s mid-term elections.
Speaking from a fiery cliff overlooking the gates of Hell since members of the media are not allowed inside until they die, the Prince of Darkness said there is no chance he will lose control of either the House or Senate.
“We all know God and I are locked in conflict over every human soul, but not when it comes to politicians,” said the Lord of Liars. “These are my people.”
The Evil One did not take questions.
Following Satan’s brief but terrifying appearance, a demon from his media relations team offered a follow up comment. “Our Satanic Master feels more confident than ever going into this election. He is always ahead, but thanks to Citizens United he knows God doesn’t stand a chance this time.”